farters have to be the big spoon...
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
woke up next to the new dishwasher. set the record for banging a new employee to 6 hours...i should be a professional sexual predator
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Randomize
