great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
Remind me to tell you the Scottish bar story tomorrow
Remind me to tell you it was a shitty story when you're done telling it tomorrow
well after he sqeezed a zit off his forearm i got the hell outta there
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
Thinking about fake proposing to my gf just so the middle aged women next to us will buy us drinks
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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