I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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