Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Randomize