So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
rhymes with "ouble enetration"
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
