i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He was peeing on the back wall of a building. He would have been okay if the building hadn't been a police station.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I yelled at your uterus for you.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
Randomize
