i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.
SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
we ended up on her 9 year old brothers bed and he saw the whole thing.... now he will know how to use his equipment
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
My boss is paying me to come clean his house in a maid outfit and told me not to tell anyone....this is shady as fuck but I need the money
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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