you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
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