I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Agreed. Everyone should experience a blackout before 3pm in their lifetime.
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
And before you knew it they were calling me the pussy usher or something like that
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
