I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.
I'm coming over.
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
after the ketamine those signs on the bathroom door had little meaning to us
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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