After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
I'm reading the Hobbit in my blanket fort alone with a bottle of wine... all I need is dungeons and dragons to complete this superfecta of awesome
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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