i was born a porn star she said
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
Sigh. I haven't seen a dick since August 22nd. And in case you forgot, it's January.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
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