I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
I have no idea what to do with myself since we graduated.
I've just been napping and sexting all day.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
