Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
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