Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
I thought we were but then I freaked myself out. So I kind of geared him up for take off and then cancelled the launch
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Randomize
