i hate having sex with him only a few drinks in. i like it better when i cant remember the gory details.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Did you see that girl I got with last night?
Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
