I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
because drunk making out is frowned upon in museums i think
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
Randomize
