I just blindly shoved it in. I'm still not sure which hole I got.
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
yeah its nbd she just bit me in the face. be there soon
You pulled out a fucking recorder and started playing along with all the songs on your playlist and refused to hit the j
Sockward: that moment during sexytimes when you realize your socks are still on and you have no idea how to remove them in a non-awkward fashion.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
