Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...
yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
U just kept yelling her vagina wasn't a priority bc u had a bowl of cheerios calling your name
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Whatever you wanna call it i just wanna get railed tonight
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