I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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