Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
So what if i'm late to spanish tomorrow. who the hell cares. i don't even speak spanish.
you texted me last night and told me you couldn't find the toilet.
That explains the puddle of pee in my closet.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
They set the pop up pool in the basement-running filter and all. Drunk swimming. Come now.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
Don't blame me. My vagina leads me astray.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
you are the only girl i know that would bring a plate of cookies to a hook up. but they were awesome. thanks. next time cupcakes?
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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