Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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