I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
She literally pulled the door off the hinges and "dropped" it down the stairs... Do I just say 'good job' and put her to sleep?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Help. Why am I so naked?
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