I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
