I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
now acid just makes me think of crab ragoon
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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