He has that thing where they hang SUPER low
Ewww!! Elephantitis
before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
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