Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
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