Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.
He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
Science requires me to take a picture of your nipples.
So was this before or after he cried about trump?
After
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
