That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
I have Retrograde Ejaculation as a side effect from one of my meds. Is this a respectable form of birth control?
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
We were too tired to finish having sex so we just stopped to eat the cheesecake and passed out. I didn't mind
So your telling me I can lick your ass but you CAN'T spend my money
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