it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
why im i the only drunk person in the library?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
Quick question. If you break the bathroom sink off the wall from fucking on it, can you claim it on your homeowner's insurance as a 'natural disaster'?
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