enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I just made a moltov cocktail out of lubricant and a christmas bulb. The fire is still going strong. MERRY CHRISTMAS
He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"
It smells like someone died in our apartment and ya'll used some random orifice of his body to smoke weed out of. Side note, how did we get a guitar?
I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.
you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
I be dancing. See you soon. You can drink tequila from my pants.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
Randomize
