waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Man, jail baloney is awful.
I had my first sober conversation with his roommate. I remembered half way through that the first time we met I was getting fucked on his counter
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"
this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Randomize
