is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
In case you're wondering what frozen hashbrowns taste like at 4 in the afternoon, shame. They taste like shame.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I feel like I could have been bitchier and missed an opportunity.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
This is why people in Buffalo die of heart attacks. This and wings
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
