I am doing a scientific study and i need a brief description of the underpants you are wearing
apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
A little light bondage fun never hurt anybody (erotic asphyxiation excluded). Car batteries attached to reproductive organs have.
It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
