Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Roomie questionaires don't ask any of the important questions like "how do you feel about one night stands" and "will you judge me post-walk of shame"
I feel so bad for your roommate
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Randomize
