we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
Dude tried texting you during but she threw my pants too far away
I still don't know his name but his ass is spectacular. Like he should never wear pants.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
Yupp. He's definitely a screamer.
That was before I lit my hair on fire
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
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