woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
Randomize
