i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Good luck getting that all cat food off in the shower dumbass
I've never had sex with me but I assume there are worse ways to be woken up.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
You know that panicky moment when you go home with a guy and realize you’ve been there before?!? HAPPENING RIGHT NOW!!!
Turns out I banged his son a few months ago but the kids back at college so I don’t have to worry about him walking in while Dad has me bent over the couch
Randomize
