Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I think I've done enough damage with my vagina as of late, thank you
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
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