My 3rd grade teacher, who was also my fav, thought i was in prison. That seriously upsets me.
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
