News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.
I CAN CONTROL MY GERBIL WITH MY BREATH. HE FOLLOWS THE SMELL. PROBABLY WOULDNT BE AS EXCITING IF I WASNT HIGH OFF MY ASS, BUT STILL
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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