my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
at least franzia made me throw up pretty colors.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I'm sorry, I'm tired, I can't play long distance cockblock anymore. Good night don't get too pregnant.
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