Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Just threw up at the bar from the heat. Fun change of pace.
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
is it fucked up if I wear crotchless panties to thanksgiving to make it easier for me to fuck my cousins friend.
God I love you.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
