I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.
So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
There are more dirty dishes in my bed then in the kitchen. Have I lost at life?
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
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