why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
Did you go to church in Texas and sign me up?
You need southern Jesus
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
