Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
