They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
He just pulled a Spanish chick using google translate!!!! We are at the bar and she speaks zero English. Hes a fucking magician!!!!!!
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
Can you repeat that, but with context?
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I think I fell in love last night
That guy had a face tattoo and was named Cheddar. Please tell me you’re kidding.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
