just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
My car smells like beer, you're here in spirit
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.
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