help me. he won't leave me alone. he just licked my ear and he's so drunk. get him off me. we're in the closet. help.
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
he needs to stop knowing everyone on campus...it's making cheating on him really difficult.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
So high, just applauded for a magic trick on Hulu.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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