that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
Randomize
