Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
she told me to hold the wheel while she hung out the sunroof and cursed the old lady behind us out.
I really want to go out tonight but part of me wants to be able to honestly tell the judge tomorow that I didn't
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
I fucked a French man last night. 5 Times. Ashed my cig in his cactus. That later set on fire while we were having sex.
Who the fresh hell put 2 pillows a raincoat and a guitar on top of me to keep me warm last night
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
