i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
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