Most awkward thing ever just happened. I was reaching in my purse to get something and a condom fell out into the woman's lap next to me. At least she knows I'm safe.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
he refused to get me toilet paper before we started drinking so I keep wiping with his towel.
I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
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