Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
as much as I don't like snorting drugs, I would totally be fine with someone doing a line off my ass. that's just a whole new up
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
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