Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Is it bad I'm drunk at orientation
You've been there for 12 hours, what are you supposed to be doing
Not be drunk
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
What are your thoughts toward getting nasty in a minivan?
Best case scenario I do a bunch of dirty things to you, blow your mind and you enjoy it. Worst case I stare at you, poke at you, smile and droll on myself, you laugh.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
My face feels like a midget just gave birth to quintuplets
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
