I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
I'm over here trying to figure out how to get shake shack delivered to my bed and Jamie is having a child
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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