Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish you could see the look on my boss's face right now.
wtf?
Before you passed out in the middle of the NHL 10 party you had to prove that you were a better fighter than Patrick Kane. Your not. Thanks for the black eye dipshit.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
My vagina just recognized that song.
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
Randomize
