why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
so i literally woke up after a night of doing lines to a bag of pretzels falling off my bed. a reminder that maybe this is a contributing factor to my freshman 15.
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
