there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
I would like to apologize once again for rubbing your thigh with my hands and face for a very long time last night.
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
fuck you I'm eating salad I can't be drunk.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Randomize
