Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
Actually considered writing down one of the numbers on the bathroom stall. That's how much I miss vagina.
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
So I fucked him. Then I MC Hammer'd to the bathroom, where I did the robot in celebration of my accomplishment. And then I spent 10 mins fixing my toilet. But YOLO.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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