your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
During my first week as an adjunct prof, I played a fiercely fought game of squash with a law student and we wound up having hot, sweaty, angry sex right on the floor of the court. She is either the best or worst thing to happen to my academic career. Will let you know.
Randomize
