Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
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