i jhust puked up my retainher.
i barfeds in our rink
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
Dad is wasting no time getting back out there. Just walked in on him and a Twin Peaks waitress in the hot tub
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