Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
To the genius that put everclear in my humidifier: your time is coming.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
The awkward moment when a lady ask you what kind of lipliner you're using, but really I have just finished eating hot cheetos.
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
How do you say "put it in me" in Spanish... I'm dealing with language barriers here.
Randomize
