forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
I won't let penises inside me if you won't let tequila inside you, deal?
She dumped me and then asked if I wanted to come to her improv show. Fuck theatre majors, man.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
