I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
He asked me how many starwars references he could make before i no longer find him attractive.
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
